23. it.

• mood: disappointed.
  

This is a story about it. It was one of the most enjoyable thoughts of mine. It was that one that helped me see things from another point of view, even if it didn't know that.

I discover that I missed that one more than I was allowed. I cared about that one more than I wanted. I trusted that one more than I wished, but I wanted to give it another try. There's no one in the world that could replace that one now.

But that one..

Maybe I should let go. Maybe I trapped that one in my mind, maybe it is too deep torrmented in my thoughts. Maybe that one should be free.. even if.. I am afraid to let it free from my mind. Maybe it'd lose itself.. Maybe it is happy to be there, in my head. Sometimes it would drop itself lower than the head. Or maybe these are just dreams.. useless dreams..

I was just so happy with that one in my head, day after day. Happier than ever. But now I have a headache. It's not the first headache. I questioned that one if it was its fault, and it asked me the same thing: "Is it my fault?"..

It is painful to see that every little thing reminds me of that one. Maybe because that one is still in my head. Should I get it out of there?.. Should I set it free? I don't want that, but.. if it's better for it.. I care about it.. Even if.. sometimes I find myself questioning whether it is just in my head, in my imagination, or it is real.

Well, after a while I started to love it. I couldn't live without it. I was thinking about it everyday. Just when I thought I trapped it in my mind, it turned out that it trapped me.. in my own head.

But I liked that..

I was enjoying every second of it. It became one of the reasons I was breathing, even if no one really noticed that, not even myself, maybe. I was too busy being happy..

But what made me loved it were the little things... I enjoyed all the attention it gave me, even if I thought it was only in my head. It seemed to care.. but the little things made me realize that I was addicted to it. I couldn't make a move without thinking about it. It was all over my head. It was driving me insane.

And it saw that I was sad again. And it asked if it was its fault. And I told it that.. I didn't know. I was afraid to tell it what I actually felt. It made me.. care about myself, simply because it was in my head, and I knew that if I care about me, it would be happy.

But I was sad all day and it was worried, or seemed to be, about me. So I difficultly told it what was in my mind.

It didn't ask if it was its fault. It said it was its fault. And it knew that, if it would leave, I will be devastated. So it stayed, and asked me to leave it. But I didn't want to! I loved it, remember?

And then it told me about all the good things that are waiting just for me in the real world. But I was afraid of the real world, I was lost without it.

It said, "You have nothing to be afraid of. You helped me be real. Because you are real. And I am not.."

I looked in its eyes and I wasn't very surprised to see a tear shining over there. "Is this the end?", I asked.. "Only if you want it to be", it said. But I didn't!

"Then what should I do?"..

"You should leave me here.. it would be the best for you.. I am addicted to you too.. but.. I don't want you to be dependent, as you say you are. Just remember that I love you."

Then I started to think.. How was it possible that we loved each other that much, and be like that?

"Sometimes, love just isn't enough." said it, hearing my thoughts. "If you aren't happy.." ..

Maybe I should've let go.. But I didn't. Then. This time.. That one is too deep in me.. in my head..

This time I have the nastiest headache. What should I do?..

If I let go, I will miss it so bad.. but do I have something else to lose?..







I could lose it..



to be continued..