24. it. parttwo.

• mood: disappointed.
  

This is a story about it. It was one of the most enjoyable thoughts of mine. It was that one that helped me see things from another point of view, even if it didn't know that.

I could lose it..

But finally it made the first step away from me, and promised it would think about me and that I would feel it. I just knew he was lying, and maybe it wasn't the first time.

And it left me there, and I felt more alone than ever. I cried a lot.. And I tried not to think about it at all. I was a little afraid, a little scared of what I may hear instead of its voice that I missed.. I trusted it, didn't know why, just knew I could. In that very moment, I was convinced that it dodn't even care about me anymore. But there was no one in the world that could replace it.

So I tried to reach it in my mind, somehow. And I reached it. It wasn't in its best mood. I tried to talk with it, to tell it that it wasn't fair, it wasn't right, that it was meant to be with me, in me, in my mind. But it wouldn't want to listen.

Maybe it should have.

It told me those little things that hurt me so bad, that my eyes started to shower my entire body, and the wall, as I was trying to stay crouch, supported by the wall.

I told it that everything reminds me of it, and the precious moments that we spend together, me and it..

It got angry, and started to make strange noises. And it told me "Stop whining and live your fuckin` life! You live in the REAL world, you don't need anything UNREAL to make you feel special. What the fuck is wrong with you? Leave me alone! I don't need you, either. Nobody really does! So.. shut the fuck up and.. and.. live your fuckin` life alone if you can't fuckin` find someone to live it with! Stop lying yourself that you could be happy with some imaginary idiot. Stop.. stop that, I don't wanna talk to you ever again, fuck you, I hate you.. I... BYE!"

It let me cry there like an idiot. But now I wasn't just sad. I was angry at it. I wanted to make it feel what I felt then. But I didn't want to talk with it.. I wanted to forget it.. But it seemed like I couldn't make the memories go away.. So I kept crying everyday.

This merely destroyed my life, because I didn't want to eat anymore, I didn't want to see anyone, I was just staying in bed, crying. Mom got worried and called a doctor, and I threw a dictionary at him. I hate doctors.

My friends came to see me, but I didn't want them to see me like that, and I told them to go away. And finally, they did. And never came back. I knew then that it was my only real friend ever, even if.. it wasn't real.

But not long after that, it sent me a message telling me that it is happy. I didn't reply. But it sent me another message telling me it loves me and it's sorry for the words it said, because it was drunk, and wanted to make me understand that I was better without him, but now it realized that it was wrong..

I replied then, asking it if it would come to see what it made of me. It didn't reply, and that made me sad. But it just showed up in my room so.. materialized, that I almost believed it was real. It's eyes were crying, but it was smiling.

First, I wanted to hug it, for I missed it so bad those days. But then I remembered that it was its fault I was like that. But it was indeed crying, its tears were almost real..

"I missed you.."

It whispered these words so that only I could hear them, as if anyone else could hear or see it anyway.

"Where have you been?"

"..not far."

"Do you know how much pain you got me in?"

"..I am sorry."

It looked in my eyes. I wanted it to go away, but in the same time I wanted it to stay with me forever. It was a strange feeling.

"I know. I feel the same", said it. "But I realized that.. I can't live without you."

"I was happy with you in my head, it. I could get used to being addicted to you, because I know you would be there, in my mind, everyday, just for me."

It made that face he did only when it wanted to comfort me.

"..I am sorry.."

"It's not enough to be sorry, it!"

Its lips were shaking.

"So tell me... is this the end?"

I could not believe it.

"How can YOU ask me such thing? YOU wanted it to end, it! Not me! I was.. just afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"You must know!"

I have been afraid of loosing my mind.. without it. It looked at me with its bright eyes like never before.

"You must go now."

I said those words without even looking at him. It didn't even care about me. Fuck it.

"Fuck you, it."

".. I love you."

It kissed my forehead, and its kiss felt so cold and.. real.. It vanished in my tears. It lost me.